I think I saw this exact scenario in a movie once. I mean, I was really young, and it was just one of those things you tend to ‘watch’ when you’re in the room with your parents and playing with Lego. Anyway, it was a woman, and the man was teaching her to be civilised and high-class for… I don’t know, something to do with business. I think it was called ‘Attractive Female’.
Now I’m embroiled in a situation like that, except not very much like that, because I’ve just had 4×4 aluminium canopies fitted to the ute I went out and bought last week, and I did it all for love.
Her name is Kelsie, and I’m smitten. Can’t help it…she’s just the greatest woman I’ve ever sort-of known, because I haven’t actually talked to her yet.
She’s a tradie, I am… not a tradie. I work in a library and my main hobby is hosting tea ceremonies, but if I’m to win her love (or at least get her to notice me) then I need to change literally everything about myself and adopt a false persona, because that’s what love is.
Love is looking up the concept of a half canopy and trying to figure out how to fit one to your newly purchased ute, all by yourself, like a real tradie. Love is not shaving for two weeks, not even a trim, like a real tradie. And love is wearing high-vis shirts and navy shorts all the time outside of work, with sunglasses nestled in your hair… because that is the way of the tradesperson, in that it is what they do.
I’ve even started using my middle name (Angus) because it makes me sound more like a tradie than my first name (Francis). And of course, there are the many things I have to learn about utes, four-wheel-drives, the best place to get custom ute trays near Melbourne, tradie routines, ute drawers… seriously, there’s SO much to learn about utes.
But once it’s all fitted, and my beard grown out enough, I’ll be able to finally make my move. My tradie transformation will be complete!